Singapore, Here I Come! (Part 2)

3 seats in a row! I was pleasantly surprised to be able to board a high-class bus, even though I bought an economical ticket. Sitting next to me is an UK couple. I nearly broke out in laughter as their voice sounded just like Mr ans Mrs Bean. In front of the couple are two Malays, a guy and a woman who looked like siblings. We reached a station where lots of buses were parked there, and some of the passengers began alighting from the bus with their luggage. And Mr Bean asked me:" Do you know what we're supposed to do here?". Apparently he's asked the wrong person because I had the same question in mind. The guy sitting in front of me (whom I suspect is a fellow queer) turned around and told us we don't have to do anything. It's a stop for the locals. As we went through the Malaysia, then the Singapore custom. The Malay couple were missing. Apparently they were detained at the Singapore custom. I saw the custom officer counting the cigarettes that they bought.

So the bus reached Singapore. Out of the window, a shirtless hunk was standing beside the street. He's got the model body, complete with the amazing rock- hard six-pack. All I could do was to shout "OH MY GOD" in my mind. That's when I pulled the curtain away and began seriously looking at the streets of Singapore. The country is indeed clean, and the grass looks greener, literally. It's like the improved version of Singapore.

Derek: Did I tell you that I'm going to treat you with a gay movie?
Me: Really? I don't know..... (Are you serious?)

So I went to the cinema with Derek to watch the French movie called C.R.A.Z.Y after a lunch. There was a cutie who had problems buying tickets to another gay film (King Clown) because his 'partner' wasn't there to show that he or she is above 18.


Anyway, I was surprised that there were things that I could relate to in the movie:

• When I was a kid, I had a 'friendship' with my dad. Yeah, we used to be friends with each other and I was spoilt.
  
• Once, I wore my sister's dress and began dancing and singing in the living room. Unlike the movie, my family just laughed at me, and I didn't do that again.
• I had prayed and wished that I'll be straight.
• I thought I had this 'gift', some sort of special power. I can make things happen if I wish for it hard enough, but I would lose something in return. Well, in retrospect, I think it's just a manifestation of my imagination after watching too much cartoons, and I'm still gay after praying so much.
• I became rebellious. I was angry and depressed that I couldn't stop being gay. I hated myself.

Oh, unlike the main character, I'm not cute and I didn't work out like him. And I didn't live in self-denial as long as him, thanks to all of the information about gays that I could obtain from newspapers, magazines and the internet. I tried to be straight, hypnotizing myself that I like the bouncing boobies. but after several attempts, I gave up. I felt that I couldn't do that anymore and if I kept making myself straight, I'll never be happy even until I die.

I'm not gay, but I'm gay.

And this is how I came to be who I am today. I accepted that I'm gay but I plan to stay in the closet for now. But I also crave for love, hoping that I'll find someone so that I'll not be lonely for the rest of my life.


At night, I went to Night Safari with my sis and her bf. I was moody that time after watching the movie and I had this poem in my mind.

The Search is always on,
But my heart is almost gone,
Bit by Bit...
Piece by Piece...
It's broken
But not sold.

Do I have to wait til dawn
Or keep running beyond
Step by Step...
Stop by Stop...
My flesh is willing
But my spirit is weak.


Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.