For a gay, he has extra problems compared to the straights. Other than the difficulty in finding love, it's impossible to get a happily-married-together life (except in the UK) with a family of their own.... children, grandchildren, great grandchildren... and so on. Some find it hard to accept themselves, their "despicable" sexual orientation. They're afraid of being shunned, isolated, or bashed for being gay, for being who they are. And thus, most prefer to live in the closet, and it gets harder and harder to come out, as they hide deeper and deeper into the closet, in which they presumed to be the safe zone from the homophobic society.
I didn't think I'd come out until I can live on my own, until I'm independent, so that if my family and friends are to desert me for my homosexual orientation, I don't have to be so miserable. I mentioned that I have friends, close friends. Two of the closer ones are Joker Jack and Donald Duck, I knew them since secondary school, and we always hang out with each other almost every week, even until now. In the beginning, we went for a drink (yam cha) every weekend, then we Dota (playing game in cyber cafe) weekly, and after that, due to financial constraints, we move on to playing free private server of Ragnarok Online. I didn't know our relationship would last so long, and it hurts me to assume that once they know about my sexual orientation, I would lose the friendship. Over the years, I've shared a lot of thoughts especially with Joker Jack, except that one queer thing. I thought I don't have to come out to them... but it seems that our relationship didn't die down as I expected it to be.
It grew.
One night, I was contemplating on whether I should tell him that I'm gay when I was in his car. We were bored and we started singing. His car parked outside my house.(long story cut short) He insisted that I tell him what's in my mind.
Me: Do you really wanna know?
JJ:Whatever's in your mind, just tell me. I've told you a lot of things also.
Me: Even if it'll change you?
JJ:How will it change me, unless you're saying you like guys. Just tell me, I won't say it to anyone else.
That was when I said it out.
Me: I'm gay.
To my surprise, he didn't seemed surprised.
Me: So, if you're scared of me or don't want to be friends anymore, I understand.
JJ: What are you saying? We're still friends. And don't worry, I still treat you as a good friend.
Me: I just thought I should let you know. You're a true friend, and you deserve to know. I don't want to keep lying to you.
JJ: Aww... you think I'm your true friend, I'm touched. I guess I've always known... You're like 80% male, 20% female. You're not 50:50 or you'll be like a sissy.
Towards the end of the conversation, I told him not to tell anyone.
JJ: Don't worry, everyone already knows you're a gay lah (from your behaviour).
Ok, I didn't exactly feel relieved after coming out to him. I just felt that this is something that I should have done long time ago. I don't know whether our relationship will ever be the same, and I can't say I'm not worried. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Joker Jack was the one who assured me that he's not homophobic. Okay, he said he may not like gays so much, but he knew me, he knew who I am, and he wouldn't dislike me for being gay.
Now talk about being gay, I am indeed in the same class with Lecherous Lex. We're not roomates, but we're pretty much seeing each other every weekday. And I forgot to mention that he was also in the class reunion I recently attended. During that reunion, one girl commented to me that he's too sissy. " I am sissy too." I proclaimed. "Yeah... you are, but not as much." she replied. I'm not one to judge, but this explains why I sometimes feel rather uncomfortable as I talk to him. His mannerisms reminds me that I may be sissy too.... and I just couldn't stand that. I know, as a gay, I shouldn't feel that way (being uncomfortable). In fact, I've been very friendly to him, asking him out for lunch and dinner (in the cafeteria) and go to the gym(in university) with him. (We're pretty much stucked in this university that's situated in a rather remote area) I was a bit dissapointed that he didn' turn out to be a hunk, and he didn't seem to be interested in me (coz I didn't turn out to be a hunk either). I guess I'm never lucky when it comes to love.
It's been two weeks, and so far, the queer topic has not arised between us. I know both of us are afraid of going to the "I am gay" conversation. Hence, no groin-fondling eiher. I've been leading a rather straight life (and writing a straight blog) until yesterday when I came out to a straight friend, for the very first time. (Come to think of it, my first and only sex was in a car too.)
Whether this will alleviate my extra problems of being gay, I don't know. I only know that I'm kinda lucky to have won the first price of a lucky draw in a dinner party on that same day before I came out. :P
14 comments:
u do have rainbowlander qualities!
Hey, you are gay :) And take your time!
inside, everyone's happy. and some of us are just more so. heehee.
well, u may have a choice whether u choose to be in closet or come out. It doesn't matter as long you are happy with yourself.
You're gay Harvey? I had no idea. ACK! Oh wait, you mean you're not going to hit on me? Well, I guess I am old enough to be your ..um.. AUNT!
ok.. that was stupid, but I was trying to make you laugh.
(((hugs)))) Harvey. I understand not because I've experienced it; but because I oooze compassion. We're human and we're built the way we're built. Eventually, I think we all come to a point where we all (all adults - gay or straight) where we don't need to explain, to defend ourselves.
I know how it is in this world. You do what makes you feel comfortable and what helps YOU succeed in what you want to do. If you need more time to focus on your studies, then focus on your studies and work on building Harvey - the adult. Plenty of time. I think you did well and I applaud your friend and hope he keeps his word to you in keeping your friendship.
oh, and if he doesn't keep his word, we'll break his legs.
Yeah! Leg breaking! :D
Seriously, it's okay to come out to some people. Not everyone, but some. Just use you judgement.
But Harvey's just a little baby bunny - he doesn't have any experience judging people and their reactions yet, that's why he's got YOU guys for advice.
and if that doesn't work, I've got my baseball bat.
Living in the closet is like living in a lie. Not everyone can accept the gay-factor, so just leave the closet half opened yeah, but never half closed.
jack is gay.
Mmmm, agree wif your decision of not coming out until you're self-dependant.
Because that's what I'm gonna do, hehe =D
I remember the first time I came out to my close friends. They were all looking at me, and I was like: "Aren't you gonna say anything?"
Then they were like: "What do you expect us to do? Wave a huge banner proclaiming your love for men and start a new culture!? You're still you."
And that point - I was so proud of them. =)
getting out of the closet is definitely comfier i say. It's so tiring to be putting on a mask and pretending to be someone you're not all the time. Free yourself and enjoy life!
It took me a while to understand you guys' comments. I was kinda confused coz it's like replying comments to a post that I didn't write and then Oh Wait, you all are talking about being in the closet. Ok...
The Searcher: Yes yes.
savante: Ok... but take my time to do what... coming out of the closet to the whole world?
confusticated: Your closet is a bit different than mine, but then you do have to tell your future wife the truth.
Bryan: Haha, I thought that I'll drive that friend away sooner or later by coming out anyway. So I just did that at that very moment. And he wasn't driven away.
Annie: Wow... annie, thank you so much...
Um... there's no need to break his legs or anything.
Mrbunnyban: That coming out only happened because he was a great friend. I don't think I'm gonna come out to anyone else just yet.
Hafiz Hector: Yep, good advice.
xavier: Nah, he's not.
++ Chris ++ : Apparently my plan failed, haha. Now that rule only applies to coming out to my parents and siblings.
Sam: Hello, welcome to the blog. Cool friends you have there.
cain & abel: Somehow I'm not feeling that comfortable. It feels normal to me. Although I do worry that this might affect my relationship with JJ after all.
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